


Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

by HMSquared



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crying, Death from Old Age, Depression, Dialogue Light, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Post-Canon, Present Tense, Slice of Life, Slow Build, Soulmates, Spoilers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-31
Updated: 2019-12-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:41:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HMSquared/pseuds/HMSquared
Summary: In which Steve does nothing but wait for Bucky to seemingly fall in love with him.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Waiting, Waiting, Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> I got into the MCU right around the time Disney+ came out, and the first thing I did was binge. This is my love letter to Steve and Bucky, along with the universe in general.
> 
> Enjoy!

Looking back on it, Steve can’t remember when he first fell for Bucky Barnes. The truth is part of him always has since their first meeting, but love is extremely complicated.

Their first conversation in the alley is one memory he’ll always treasure. Steve remembers how brash he was back then; just a blonde kid from Brooklyn who couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Then he met Bucky.

He was still James back then. The name “Bucky” didn’t exist. He didn’t drink, didn’t smoke; when the photographers came around, they looked for more “beautiful” subjects. And yet Steve latched on to him.

He remembers the first time they went to a bar together. The walls were falling apart, the beer was terrible, but they loved it. They spent hours laughing to each other about their failures with women. That was the first time Bucky smiled in front of Steve, and the first time he was no longer James.

After a while, they went their separate ways. Steve briefly fell for Peggy Carter, and Hydra scouted out Bucky as an agent. In those hard times, they unknowingly shared a trait.

Steve doesn’t like talking about the crash. He remembers plowing toward the ice, scared out of his mind. Then...nothing. At the same time, Bucky was in a cryo chamber, becoming more of a popsicle at the hands of Hydra.

He wakes up, surrounded by people he doesn’t know. A few of their last names are familiar, but he can’t pinpoint why. Steve panics and asks where Bucky is; they tell him he died during WWII. The memories come rushing back. To make a long story short, the medical staff is forced to give him painkillers after he nearly breaks his hand. One nurse gets a black eye, but there are no hard feelings.

Steve tries to adjust. He finds a memorial for the war; Bucky’s name is on it. “James Buchanan Barnes.” That feels like a lifetime ago. He touches the frosted glass and tries not to cry.

Then the Avengers come along. He meets Natasha Romanoff, and they hit it off instantly. If they were still in the ‘40s, back when homosexuality was illegal, Steve might have married her.

He starts having nightmares. Images of Bucky tumbling to his death, screaming for Steve. Every once in a while he wakes up; those days are better. Most of the time though, he shakes in his bed for hours, his heart rate skyrocketing.

Then Nick Fury is seemingly assassinated, and everything turns on its head. The Avengers are tasked with finding his killer, which is surprisingly easy. After all, he’s not exactly hiding. The Winter Soldier attacks S.H.I.E.L.D. at every opportunity, nearly killing Natasha in the process. Steve becomes his next target.

It’s during one of these fateful fights that he gets a grip. The Winter Soldier’s mask is ripped off as Steve rolls across the road, hurting. Looking up, he finds himself staring at an older, longer haired Bucky Barnes.

He doesn’t tell them. Bucky’s identity is revealed instantly, of course, but Steve doesn’t reveal their friendship. How can he? Tony will instantly question his loyalty, Natasha will blow up in his face...how can he tell them?

In private, however, Steve cries. Every night, he falls asleep with Bucky’s face in his brain. He’ll never forget pulling off the mask and finding his best friend underneath.

Eventually, fate draws them back together. The Helicarrier is attacked and of course Bucky goes after Steve. He doesn’t remember their friendship, nor their time in the war. But he has to remember.

“I’m with you to the end of the line.” Bucky freezes when Steve says that. His mind begins to whir and the platform falls away, sending Captain America toward the cold river below.

Once again, Steve thinks he’s going to die. At this point, he welcomes it. But once again, he wakes up in a new place, somehow alive.

It’s while lying on the riverbank that he finally acknowledges his feelings for Bucky. How happy he makes him. Steve doesn’t know if he’s gay or what, but he definitely loves his best friend.

He can’t tell him. Bucky’s mental state is up in the air, and if Steve tells him, Hydra might use it as leverage. Besides, he doesn’t know if the feeling is mutual. So Captain America finds himself waiting. Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Two years pass, and Steve begins to forget. He finds himself wrapped up in defeating Ultron, laughing when he tells his friends not to swear. For a while, he doesn’t think about Bucky pulling him from the river. Sometimes the moment comes to him in a dream, but it’s nowhere on the scale of before, so he doesn’t care.

Then one night he bolts awake in a cold sweat, unsure why but knowing it pertains to Bucky. Steve drinks coffee for the first time in a while, knowing it will do nothing to calm his nerves, then paces for several hours. That day the Sokovia Accords are announced, and he becomes the brash blonde kid again.

A few weeks later, the Avengers find themselves in Vienna. Steve falls asleep before T’Chaka’s speech, only to find himself back on the field of battle. And there’s Bucky, staring at him among the chaos. He only speaks in German, but his mind is still sharp, and Steve wakes up in another cold sweat to the news that an explosion occurred. It takes a moment to realize he’s crying, so for a few minutes he sits, shaking like a leaf.

The trip to Bucharest with Sam starts off awkwardly. He knows something’s going on in Steve’s mind, but doesn’t comment on it. The red, white, and blue hero heads to the apartment of Bucky’s old Hydra handler, and that’s when everything goes to hell.

The authorities catch them, Bucky is taken to holding, and Steve sits back to watch the interview. At first he’s annoyed, but then the psychiatrist’s words fill his mind. The same words Bucky uttered in his dream.

The fight itself is thankfully brief. Steve only gets a few defending kicks in, not that he actually wants to hurt his friend, and Bucky sends him tumbling down an elevator shaft. The fall rocks his brain, but he can’t stop. Somehow they find themselves on a platform with a helicopter, which they fight over like a toy.

Straining to keep the behemoth from taking off, Steve doesn’t see Bucky snap out of it. For a brief moment, he smiles in wonderous fascination, but then the words fill his ears again and he flips the copter. They go crashing into the water like a couple of rocks, and Steve returns the favor from two years ago by pulling his friend out.

They run, joined by a few other Avengers. And even though he’s trying to do the right thing, Steve’s body can’t calm down. Every time he looks at Bucky, his heart rate jumps, and he’s forced to look away. The Winter Soldier doesn’t seem to notice, too busy remembering his time with Hydra.

Tony catches up to them. Everything’s a blur of blood and metal; before Steve knows it, he’s carrying a broken Bucky away from the scene. Iron Man’s behind him, shouting at his former friend to come back. But he doesn’t listen.

Black Panther comes to the rescue, offering Bucky a place in Wakanda. Steve accepts the offer, hands him his friend, then runs with Natasha and Sam in tow. For a while after that, everything’s okay. They eat a lot of ramen and master the art of lockpicking. Natasha becomes a blond and Steve grows out his hair; he even stops shaving.

Amongst this new chaos, however, Steve still thinks about Bucky. His friend’s image burns brighter than ever, causing migraines of the highest caliber. But he doesn’t try to contact Wakanda, fearing the worst of news.

Eventually, T’Challa calls. Bucky is okay, but he warns Steve things won’t be the same. Despite the risk, he decides to visit; Natasha gives him an old radio so they can keep in touch.

The trip takes several hours; putting the plane on autopilot, Steve tries to sleep off his worry. At first he can’t, thinking up all kinds of questions. Is Bucky actually okay? How’s his arm? Will he remember anything from his time with Hydra? Will he remember Steve?

Eventually, he does fall asleep, only to be woken an hour or two later. Steve successfully lands in Wakanda, not quite sure what to expect. He sees the vibranium in the buildings, the culture of the people. For the first time in a while, it makes him happy.

For some reason, Agent Ross is there. Steve jumps, but the CIA agent smiles and assures him everything’s okay. What does he know? Anyway, T’Challa’s sister Shuri arrives and motions for Captain America to walk with her. They leave the city, traveling down weathered roads until they reach a lakeside shack.

Shuri grabs Steve’s shoulder. There’s no smile on her face as she warns him: Bucky’s still not entirely there. Some things set him off, others don’t. Nodding, he walks toward the door, fully expecting to get punched.

The door opens...and there’s Bucky, sitting in a wooden chair with a sling on his arm. Seeing him causes the memories to come rushing back. Memories Steve no longer fears because his best friend, the man he _loves_ , is alive and well.

“Steve?” His voice is throaty, barely there. It doesn’t matter, though. Steve’s knees nearly buckle, and for a split second, he wants to kiss his friend. Wants to take him in his arms and savor him.

Bucky stands up, slightly concerned but more amused. A twinkle in his eyes, he stumbles toward his friend and grins.

“Nice beard.” Steve lets out a shaky breath, nearly crying, and hugs him. After so many long years, he finally hugs Bucky.

He smells like home. The ashy New York streets, the chemicals of the lab. Steve smiles in his friend’s arms, never wanting the moment to end.

They spend three days together in the shack. Bucky hasn’t gotten a new arm yet (not that he really minds), so Steve helps with chores. They sit on the lake and look out at the water, thinking about their lives and what the future will bring.

Then, the day before Bruce calls, something strange happens. During their routine breakfast, Steve catches Bucky staring at him. It’s only for a few seconds, and he quickly passes it off, but the Winter Soldier still licks his lips when he gets noticed.

After that, things are awkward. Steve badly wants to say something, but he can’t find the words. He doesn’t know if Bucky’s been dealing with the same things he has. If so, was Hydra aware of it? Is that why the Winter Soldier and Captain America became enemies?

Shuri comes rushing in eventually with a call for Steve. Sam and Natasha need his help in Scotland; apparently someone is trying to destroy the universe. Bucky isn’t strong enough to come with, so he gives his friend a hug and tells him to come visit.

As usual, the universe pulls them back together. Thanos (the guy trying to kill half the universe) sends his people to Wakanda. The Avengers rush over to help and find themselves greeted by King T’Challa. Behind him is Bucky, wearing a brand new arm and a mile-wide grin. Steve hugs him again, regretfully pulling away so they can get down to business.

They fight and they fight, but it isn’t enough. Thanos pulls it off by the skin of his teeth, and Steve is forced to watch as Bucky disintegrates. Forced to watch as his soulmate dies right in front of him.

Everything changes after that. Steve pulls out his hair and cries every day. He tries to hide it from his friends; they lost people too, and crying over Bucky seems selfish. But he can’t help it. He cries and cries and cries, curling into a ball on the floor. Because at the end of the day, Steve can’t live without Bucky.

“I just wanted to kiss you.” It’s the first time he says anything about his feelings out loud. Staring at a picture of them both, Steve shakes his head and sobs. “I just wanted to kiss you, and tell you how I feel. Why couldn’t you give me that?” And then he breaks.

The next few weeks are a living hell for everyone. Steve tries to commit suicide dozens of times, hurting himself with everything he can grab. Natasha is forced to install a taser in his room, but he rips it down. Then Bruce builds a force field cage, puts his friend in it and walks away. The taser remains, zapping Steve every time he tries to escape. He loses the will to fight and falls asleep, getting nutrients from panels in the ceiling.

Eventually, Scott turns up. He comes up with a plan to rescue everyone, and it involves time travel. Steve listens to every one of the meetings, but nothing in his body wants to help. Taking pity on him and worried for his safety, Tony puts one of his suits in Sentry Mode before everyone leaves.

It takes a while for them to come back, so Steve just sits. His beard is still present, his body still aches. He hugs his knees, wishing Bucky could be with him. The various technology prevents him from dying, but he wants to so badly. Steve would do anything to see his soulmate’s face again.

Then he shakes his head. How could Bucky love him in this state? They’re trying to bring everyone back...Steve can’t be like this. His eyes flash and he shoots to his feet. To hell with pity.

The others return at the cost of Natasha, and they jump when Steve appears, free from the cage. There’s a fury in his eyes none of them have seen before, an anger and determination they need. Bruce gets to work fashioning a gauntlet for the stones, and they prepare for the end.

When the portals open and everyone steps through, Steve scans the crowd. His body hurts from Thanos’ attacks, but all he cares about is finding Bucky. And there he is, standing with the other Avengers. The ones who might not have come back.

Before he can do anything, however, another punch is thrown and the battle resumes. Steve sees Tony hug Peter in the chaos, but his jealousy doesn’t flare. He can’t let it. Not now, not ever.

All that matters right now is winning the war.

They win (thankfully), though not without great price. Tony sacrifices himself to destroy Thanos, and team morale takes a nosedive. Steve stops thinking about romantic feelings and puts all his energy into mourning. When Bucky wraps an arm around him during the funeral, he doesn’t even notice.

The stones need to be returned, and one is going back to their old stomping grounds. The suggestion isn’t made, but Steve knows what option he has. He could go back to the ‘40s and fall in love with Bucky all over again. He could do it right this time.

But he doesn’t. Steve doesn’t know if a version of him will come back, and he doesn’t want Bucky to experience his pain. He can’t do that to him, the man he loves. So he stays.

Bucky doesn’t have a place to go: the Tower holds too many memories. After the last stone disappears, Steve walks up to Sam and makes him an offer. Falcon agrees to spearhead the new Avengers, leaving his two friends to head off in peace.

They find a house on the edge of Brooklyn, far enough away that they can’t see the billboards and taxis. Bucky discovers an old picture of him, Steve, and Peggy shortly before the experiments: it gets put on the mantle beside their medals.

For a few months, everything is fine. They don’t talk about the war much, or the Avengers. Pension checks arrive every month for both of them, ignoring Bucky’s time with Hydra and Steve’s brief time as a criminal. For a few months, everything is normal.

Steve’s hunger for Bucky slowly returns. They sleep in separate rooms, something he hates. He wants to wake up by his friend’s side, holding him close. He wants to say “I love you” and know it will be returned.

After a few more months, the glimmer in Bucky’s eyes makes a comeback as well. Steve notices it during dinner, during grocery store trips and early morning runs. He wants to know why, but can’t bring himself to ask.

February rolls around, bringing Valentine’s Day. In the past, the two men went out for drinks and reveled in being single. Not this year.

When Steve wakes up, he can feel a crackle in the air. He knows something will happen, he just can’t pinpoint what. Then he goes downstairs and finds Bucky on the sofa.

“Hey.” He stands up, coming to greet his friend. Steve’s heart jumps, and he tries not to hyperventilate. He wants to kiss Bucky so badly… “I’m going to the store, want to come with.” Oh.

“No, I’m fine.” Nodding, Bucky turns to get the car keys. Shaking his head and setting his jaw, Steve decides to screw subtlety. It hasn’t done him any favors.

He grabs Bucky’s shoulder and pulls him close. The kiss is barely one. But even so, Steve’s body explodes...then he instantly regrets it.

“Sorry.” Bucky looks stunned. Shaking his head, Steve blushes and turns away. What did he just do? Why did he do that?!

The rest of the day is awkward. Steve spends most of it in his room, looking through old pictures from the war. Bucky is gone for hours, leaving him to cry. And then he falls asleep.

Barely awake, Steve feels something close to him. Bucky’s heat, maybe? He can’t tell, and he’s too tired to care. He feels the heat pull away, but not the hand resting on his cheek. He doesn’t realize how close Bucky came to kissing him back.

A few hours later, Steve actually wakes up. Stirring, he decides to face the music. The conversation with Bucky is bound to happen sooner or later. He just needs to stop stalling.

Steve stumbles to the stairs...and there’s Bucky, waiting for him downstairs. There’s a smile on his face, a true, actual smile.

“Bucky?”

“Steve.” The smile widens. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Steve watches his face for a tell, something to reveal Bucky’s intentions.

“What’s going on?”

“I just...well, you and I keep dancing, but we never get anywhere.” Then, Bucky gives a hopeful smile. Steve shakes his head in disbelief.

“What are you saying?”

“Just...just shut up and kiss me.” So he does.

The kiss is slow, tender, and everything Steve has wanted from Bucky. He deepens it and they stand there for several minutes, holding each other and enjoying their company.

They only date for a few months. Steve finds a receipt in Bucky’s wallet after an accidental mixup and decides to mess with his friend. When the Winter Soldier returns from a trip to Wakanda, he finds him waiting.

The proposal is simple: no flower petals, no suit. Just Steve on one knee, asking Bucky to marry him. He accepts instantly, and they seal the deal two weeks later. Agent Ross oversees the whole thing, and right after their first kiss as husbands, Steve swears he sees Carter grinning at him.

The next 70 years are good to them. Bucky and Steve don’t adopt or have children in any way, which they don’t seem to mind. As they get older and grayer, the two friends become closer and closer. Their relationship isn’t perfect (nothing ever is), but it works for them.

Bucky gets sick first. The hospital diagnoses him with lung cancer and gives him a few months to live. He stays around for three more years until he and Steve are in their 90s. At that point, he knows what’s coming.

Their final night together, Bucky kisses Steve on the cheek and crawls in bed alongside him. Looking his friend in the eye, he whispers,

“I love you.” It’s simple and sweet, and Steve takes it. He watches Bucky fall asleep and smiles, then drifts off himself into an endless void.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Clarification: Bucky bought the ring after going to the store. Steve found the receipt and decided to propose with said ring in the same spot they kissed.


End file.
